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No edit. Just typing. Mind dump.

July 13, 2010

In my life when it rains it pours.  I’ve learned that I can weather whatever downpours life decides to hand me.  In the midst of the wind and the rain of life I stand holding an umbrella and dodging the rain as it whips in my face and drenches my hair.  The funny thing is that while I’m standing there holding the umbrella I don’t know it.  In my head I’m standing in the middle of the elements and I’m helpless and lost and drenched to the core but in reality I’m being resilient and strong.   WTF?

Then I find that I attract people into my life who make me feel helpless and incompetent.  I find that when I’m in a relationship I’m weaker than I am when I’m not.  What is up with that?   Right now I’m asking myself that question and more.  I’m not looking for answers although if answers are forthcoming more power to me but it’s the act of thinking that helps.

So in the past few months I’ve had my heart broken, been in battle (the metaphorical battle with someone who I refuse to allow myself to let weasel his way into this blog.  He doesn’t deserve my mind to think of him or my fingers to type about him) and moved.   Some massive and huge shit and here I sit at this desk and I’m together.

I’m not perfect.  No one really is.   I’m a work in progress but as I stand right now I’m pretty darn awesome.

Heart break sucks!  It’s physically painful but I’ve come to realize that as I get older the length of time it takes to get over a broken heart has decreased.  The pain is still there and tangible but the length of time it takes to get from Point A to Point B in the healing process seems to have shortened.     Of course I can’t say that I handle it all that well and maybe in the long run it’s going to kick my ass again but I’m a mom and I have two girls who need me to be somewhat with it and crying in my bed with the covers pulled up over my head for days on end won’t help anyone.  So I throw myself out there.  Hang out with friends.  Write.  Start a blog again.

Oh and this blog.  In the past I was stopped in my tracks when it came to blogging because I gave a fuck.  Giving a fuck really messes with my creative juices.  I’ve never considered myself a great writer or thinker but I’ve always admired those people that are and wanted to be that for myself.  Well I can’t live up to my own standards and since I can’t do that I’ll never write and in many ways writing is healing.  I kept a personal pen and paper journal to help me through my heart break and pain and slowly the page and the writing healed me in little bits and pieces.    Then I decided to start blogging again and with this blog and with my writing I’m now not going to give a fuck.  I’m not writing for anyone.

I’ll never have a blog with a ton of hits because that’s not what I want.

I’m just writing and not giving a fuck in the process!

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One Comment leave one →
  1. July 14, 2010 12:08 am

    Good for you for all of it. Keep your voice. Some of the big blogs are great, and they are true to their voice, but more often I think it’s the little ones, the ones that don’t care what people think, where the author is writing for themself. I’ve always tried to do that. Sometimes I can’t tell the whole truth, or any truth at all, but then I don’t lie, except by omission. Which blocks those juices, I’ll admit.

    Welcome back.

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