Did you know?

1.   I am NOT always the problem.

2.  On occasion I am the problem.

3.  Solitude is the most peaceful existence;  I should channel my inner Emily Dickinson.

4.  I am my biggest problem.

5.  Moving is a major life upheaval and having boxes unpacked does NOT mean that your life has now returned to normal.

6. I have commitment issues and a fear of romantic relationships.

7.  The amount of ice cream in my freezer is directly proportional to the stress level in my life.

Update

I have no complaints.

Easy Way Out

If I were to write a post it would say exactly what this song says and since songs are so much better than my writing I’ll take the easy way out.

A Lesson Learned

Yesterday I learned a valuable lesson.

A lesson in forgiveness and it was a humbling experience.

I was forgiven.

I’ve been spending so much time and energy over the course of my life feeling wronged.  I’m embarssed to admit that I’d been focusing SO much on what other’s had done to me and very little time on those that I have hurt.  I walk around being the good mom.  A kind friend.  An empathetic ear.    But I have been the perpetrator of heartbreak myself.  I’ve acted selfishly.

I’ve been saying that there is a karma in love.

You break a heart/Your heart gets broken/You break a heart/Your heart gets broken.

Yesterday I was forgiven.

Yesterday when I experienced forgiveness I realized it was time to LET GO of pain and anger.    I need to stop being a victim in my own mind.  If someone can forgive me the least that I can do is pay it forward.

I’m letting it all go.

The hurt.
The anger.
The bitterness.

I’m moving forward in a blaze of forgiveness.

I only hope it’s NOT too late!

Proud

Once again he wrote to me.  This time expressing his “fatherly concern” for me.   I’ve asked him numerous times to stop contacting me and that I’m not ready for contact; yet he persists.

Can a person really have “fatherly concern” for someone they’ve slept with?   Is it me or is that demeaning?  Honestly, it doesn’t matter.  FINALLY!  FINALLY!   I’m over it.    I hope.  I really hope.

I deleted the email and then went back to reading my book.   There was no bump in my world.   I did not cry half the night or  sit and ruminate over it.  I wasn’t shaken to my core and I didn’t read it over and over trying to glean something from it that wasn’t there.  I just laughed, at his lack or respect for my wishes, and picked up my book and continued to read.

I’m proud of myself.

I think I’m THERE.

RESET

After

Another night of sleeplessness.

Another night crying myself to sleep.

Another stupid email sent.

Another day beating myself up.

I declare a RESET!

I have always prided myself as someone who isn’t jaded or bitter about my life and the cards that I’ve been dealt.  BUT… the past few months did a number on me for some reason and I have been wallowing pretty deep in self loathing and some serious bitterness.  That is so NOT who I am.

The move and the break up were very disorientating for me.  They both rocked my world in different ways and the ways were really very positive but for one reason or another in the dark and quiet of the night I let my mind go into the darker regions of change and transformation.  Instead of seeing and embracing what this could all mean for me I just mourned what never was going to be.  WHAT A WASTE OF MY TIME.

So today I declare a reset.

A reset in perspective.

A reset in focus.

Contemplation

Halfway through my first cup of coffee in the morning is usually where I find a glimmer of clarity.

Alone isn’t all that bad. It’s more freeing. The fear of a mistake and hurt, both given and received, isn’t present. There is a peace and a freedom in alone. Not having to live up to someone else’s expectations.

Although the bed is lonely; I miss kisses. Also, I don’t laugh much alone.

I give so much of myself when I’m in love. I worry that this last time I just gave away too much of myself and that I won’t ever be the same again.

The Stranger and The Dress.

Preface:

1.  I love to wear dresses in the summer.

2.  I just moved.

The Good Stuff:

At the beginning of June I did a little retail therapy.   The summer was about to begin and it was time that I added a couple new dresses to my closet.  I ended up finding one that I adore for it’s cute fabric, style and price tag.  I wore it a few times, washed it a few times; the last time my baby came out of the dryer the loopy dude thing on the one strap had broken.   Needless to say I was broken hearted.  It was a new dress and had quickly grown to be my favorite so I decided that I was going to find a way to get it fixed.

Having just moved to town I wasn’t sure where to take it for this simple fix so I brought it with me to work today to ask around and get some suggestions.  The first place I went after dropping my daughters off was my favorite family owned coffee shop near my office.  The owners live in town and I decided to ask the wife what she thought.  Initially she told me of a place she knew that did alterations and then she said, “Wait, I have another idea”.

Like most coffee shops this place has it’s regulars and I’m proud to be one of them.  Just happens that another one of their regulars has been having a tough time financially and she does some sewing.  The owner thought that she’d appreciate taking on some small sewing to help me out and herself as well.  This lady comes in every day and the wife told me that she’d ask her what she thought.  While I was there this woman came in and I brought in the dress and she agreed to fix it.  I was ecstatic to say the least.  Following the dress conversation she and I had a talk about single parenting, divorce and all of the changes that I’ve just taken on in my life including this move.  20 years ago she was me; her kids were older but she was me.   The short time spent with this stranger who now is in possession of my favorite dress was a great way to start today.

I love to meet and talk with women who have lived the life I live.   Women who give me confidence and courage.  Some day I hope that I can be that woman for someone and I hope that I’m living my life in a way that helps my girls grow and become strong women of substance and empathy.

Slowly

Slowly

I’m returning to normal.

A new normal.

Each day is better.

Each night is easier.

Slowly.

No edit. Just typing. Mind dump.

In my life when it rains it pours.  I’ve learned that I can weather whatever downpours life decides to hand me.  In the midst of the wind and the rain of life I stand holding an umbrella and dodging the rain as it whips in my face and drenches my hair.  The funny thing is that while I’m standing there holding the umbrella I don’t know it.  In my head I’m standing in the middle of the elements and I’m helpless and lost and drenched to the core but in reality I’m being resilient and strong.   WTF?

Then I find that I attract people into my life who make me feel helpless and incompetent.  I find that when I’m in a relationship I’m weaker than I am when I’m not.  What is up with that?   Right now I’m asking myself that question and more.  I’m not looking for answers although if answers are forthcoming more power to me but it’s the act of thinking that helps.

So in the past few months I’ve had my heart broken, been in battle (the metaphorical battle with someone who I refuse to allow myself to let weasel his way into this blog.  He doesn’t deserve my mind to think of him or my fingers to type about him) and moved.   Some massive and huge shit and here I sit at this desk and I’m together.

I’m not perfect.  No one really is.   I’m a work in progress but as I stand right now I’m pretty darn awesome.

Heart break sucks!  It’s physically painful but I’ve come to realize that as I get older the length of time it takes to get over a broken heart has decreased.  The pain is still there and tangible but the length of time it takes to get from Point A to Point B in the healing process seems to have shortened.     Of course I can’t say that I handle it all that well and maybe in the long run it’s going to kick my ass again but I’m a mom and I have two girls who need me to be somewhat with it and crying in my bed with the covers pulled up over my head for days on end won’t help anyone.  So I throw myself out there.  Hang out with friends.  Write.  Start a blog again.

Oh and this blog.  In the past I was stopped in my tracks when it came to blogging because I gave a fuck.  Giving a fuck really messes with my creative juices.  I’ve never considered myself a great writer or thinker but I’ve always admired those people that are and wanted to be that for myself.  Well I can’t live up to my own standards and since I can’t do that I’ll never write and in many ways writing is healing.  I kept a personal pen and paper journal to help me through my heart break and pain and slowly the page and the writing healed me in little bits and pieces.    Then I decided to start blogging again and with this blog and with my writing I’m now not going to give a fuck.  I’m not writing for anyone.

I’ll never have a blog with a ton of hits because that’s not what I want.

I’m just writing and not giving a fuck in the process!