1. I am NOT always the problem.
2. On occasion I am the problem.
3. Solitude is the most peaceful existence; I should channel my inner Emily Dickinson.
4. I am my biggest problem.
5. Moving is a major life upheaval and having boxes unpacked does NOT mean that your life has now returned to normal.
6. I have commitment issues and a fear of romantic relationships.
7. The amount of ice cream in my freezer is directly proportional to the stress level in my life.
I have no complaints.
If I were to write a post it would say exactly what this song says and since songs are so much better than my writing I’ll take the easy way out.
Yesterday I learned a valuable lesson.
A lesson in forgiveness and it was a humbling experience.
I was forgiven.
I’ve been spending so much time and energy over the course of my life feeling wronged. I’m embarssed to admit that I’d been focusing SO much on what other’s had done to me and very little time on those that I have hurt. I walk around being the good mom. A kind friend. An empathetic ear. But I have been the perpetrator of heartbreak myself. I’ve acted selfishly.
I’ve been saying that there is a karma in love.
You break a heart/Your heart gets broken/You break a heart/Your heart gets broken.
Yesterday I was forgiven.
Yesterday when I experienced forgiveness I realized it was time to LET GO of pain and anger. I need to stop being a victim in my own mind. If someone can forgive me the least that I can do is pay it forward.
I’m letting it all go.
I’m moving forward in a blaze of forgiveness.
I only hope it’s NOT too late!
Once again he wrote to me. This time expressing his “fatherly concern” for me. I’ve asked him numerous times to stop contacting me and that I’m not ready for contact; yet he persists.
Can a person really have “fatherly concern” for someone they’ve slept with? Is it me or is that demeaning? Honestly, it doesn’t matter. FINALLY! FINALLY! I’m over it. I hope. I really hope.
I deleted the email and then went back to reading my book. There was no bump in my world. I did not cry half the night or sit and ruminate over it. I wasn’t shaken to my core and I didn’t read it over and over trying to glean something from it that wasn’t there. I just laughed, at his lack or respect for my wishes, and picked up my book and continued to read.
I’m proud of myself.
I think I’m THERE.
Another night of sleeplessness.
Another night crying myself to sleep.
Another stupid email sent.
Another day beating myself up.
I declare a RESET!
I have always prided myself as someone who isn’t jaded or bitter about my life and the cards that I’ve been dealt. BUT… the past few months did a number on me for some reason and I have been wallowing pretty deep in self loathing and some serious bitterness. That is so NOT who I am.
The move and the break up were very disorientating for me. They both rocked my world in different ways and the ways were really very positive but for one reason or another in the dark and quiet of the night I let my mind go into the darker regions of change and transformation. Instead of seeing and embracing what this could all mean for me I just mourned what never was going to be. WHAT A WASTE OF MY TIME.
So today I declare a reset.
A reset in perspective.
A reset in focus.
Halfway through my first cup of coffee in the morning is usually where I find a glimmer of clarity.
Alone isn’t all that bad. It’s more freeing. The fear of a mistake and hurt, both given and received, isn’t present. There is a peace and a freedom in alone. Not having to live up to someone else’s expectations.
Although the bed is lonely; I miss kisses. Also, I don’t laugh much alone.
I give so much of myself when I’m in love. I worry that this last time I just gave away too much of myself and that I won’t ever be the same again.